I’m not sure if it’s her raspy voice or her slight east coast accent that makes you know she’s awesome… but there’s just something about Lauryn Hill that makes everything she says sound extra true!
I do know that it’s her vulnerability that makes me love her. If you’ve never seen or heard her MTV Unplugged 2.0 video… GET IT! I’m giving you a little clip here, but it’s not nearly as powerful without the music and the rest of her story backing it up. Basically, she went on national television and broke down, laid it out, preached, and just spoke straight up truth… all while being completely unprepared and almost too emotional to finish her songs. In other words, I L-O-V-E it!
In this particular section I’ve chosen for you to listen to, Lauryn’s talking about how her life of fame, glamor, and beauty fell apart and she began discovering and owning the real her… not the public image of her… but the legit Lauryn, full of flaws and all (as you will even hear in the clip when she can’t find the lyric sheet she needs).
The reason I’m including it here is because it’s so inspiring to hear from someone who’s “made it” and who has achieved an extraordinary life, who is willing to be open and share the lessons she learned along the way. Most of it has to do with how once she found who she really is and what she’s meant to do she found freedom.
Preach it sister.
Lately I’ve been finding myself in all sorts of mental conflicts.
Work or sleep? Re-read “Hunger Games” or jump right into “Intro to Being a Better Human Being and Fixing Everything in Your Life Through Painstaking Work and Exhausting Effort”? Go out and make new friends or decide to sit at home feeling fat instead?
You see, life is a pickle! Decisions, decisions, decisions!
I think I have decision-block.
I’ve had writer’s block lately and I think that it has to do with the fact that the very thing I write about is the very thing I’m blocked about. I’m re-thinking my decisions, which for me means questioning whether I’d rather spend my days relaxing on the porch with an extra large glass of sweet tea and my 3 legged old dog while we watch the fireflies land and count our days by how high the tulips grow in the front yard? Or by laying on my horn in traffic as I rush late to my next meeting, while trying to cram a meatless, gluten free, double fiber stick of something or other down my throat and yelling into my speaker phone about the ice cream cake I’m picking up for that thing tonight, while trying to learn Mandarin on my iPod and squeezing my glutes for added toning at the same time. (Think Michelle Pfeiffer’s lawyer character in “I Am Sam” who survives on handfuls of jellybeans and non-fat lattes).
Why is the answer to that question even a question? Oh right, because I’ve actually chosen the awful sounding second one.
Yes, I have moved to Los Angeles, California. It’s the land of concrete and smog where the green grass only grows up between the sidewalk cracks and where when you hear someone say the word crack you think about either Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood or Brittany Spears’ coin slot before you think about the sidewalk.
Here I must compete… always. I must make more money to stay afloat… always. I must know how to enter a restaurant with no visible sign or apparent door… always. I must hurry… always. I must know all about Ryan Murphy, Ryan Gosling, and all the future famous Ryans who aren’t even born yet… always. I must look good, but try not to look like I’m trying to look good… always. I must know not only what they are, but also 10 different ways to prepare and ingest kombucha, kale, or kimchi… always. I must avoid walking alone at night… always. I must carry quarters on me for parking, laundry, and bums…always. I must work out 3 hours a day, 10 days a week (yes, 10)… always. And people will continue to ask me what I was thinking when I decided to move here… always.
But I know why I moved here.
I moved here for the ocean, the community, the culture,The Chelsea Lately Show, the art, the potential, the bike rides, the entertainment, the celebrity neighbors, the abundance of french bulldogs, the old Hollywood history, the diversity, the great weather, the walkability ratings, the chance to see my front yard on my favorite TV show, the inspiration, the excitement, the creative collaborations, and- let’s just admit it- the white truffle aioli sauce with candied bacon, creamy burrrata, and lemon zest had a little something to do with it as well.
I know why I’m here right now, but the new question I’m asking myself is- do I want to be here forever?
Do I know that I want to raise my kids here? Do I know how I will juggle my freeway captivity and Botex injections with my kids’ Pilates and french cooking classes? Maybe having my kids skateboard to school while I Feng Shui up the house isn’t the lifestyle I want for my family. Maybe I’d rather have my kids walk home from school with their friends while I await them with a plate of fresh baked cookies and a Bible story to tell them that I heard in my knitting club. Having time to play, garden, relax, sleep, talk, and go number two isn’t such a bad thing is it? Maybe moving to small town USA where I’d just go to a regular old job and my kids would come home from school to a regular old mom in mom jeans, and going to regular old church potlucks on Sundays and listening to old Uncle Joe tell that same story about the cat with angina for the hundredth time isn’t such a bad thing? Why do I feel the need to fight it and do the opposite?
I found out why when I was visiting my dad’s small, mid-western hometown.
As I watched people have time to enjoy life and found myself longing for some of the small pleasures of the simple life that they had (mostly the lard), I met a young girl who had a different kind of spark in her thick black eyelinered eyes. Even though she didn’t say it out loud, everything about her and about the things she DID say out loud, just screamed to me that she was going to leave this place one day… this place with 4 generations of her family all living within 5 miles from each other. It’s not that she hated it, it’s not that it was bad. It just wasn’t HER and it wasn’t what she was meant for. And I saw myself in her in more ways that I could count.
It was at that moment that I realized, this thing about destiny is so much bigger than my own finicky desires.
It doesn’t matter where I want to live or what I want to do because I know that what I want more than anything is to do what I’m meant to do with my life and I’ll live wherever I need to in order to accomplish that. So even though a small town sounds kinds of nice right about now, it’s just not where I’m meant to be… just like I can tell that young girl is meant to leave one day. Maybe I’m meant to end up in the middle of a corn field one day… but for now I KNOW I am right where I need to be. Right in the middle of the action, the opportunity, the thrill, and the challenges that come with LA.
I don’t know if my kids will be the ones with thick black eyelinered eyes who are meant for LA…
…or the ones with an affinity for growing crops and wearing Carhart overalls who are meant for a small potato farming community in Idaho (or in Ireland if I’m lucky, because then I can visit them in Ireland instead of Idaho). It all goes back to extraordinary living and how by definition of it, we all have different sorts of lives we are meant to live. I don’t know if LA will be best for my family. Some of you just choked on your corn chip when heard that I’d even consider that LA might be best for my family! I DO think there actually are benefits to raising your kids in the big city- like how they can always find a hotdog stand when they are hungry! Of course I know there are many downsides as well- like how they can’t sit on benches because the homeless people pee on them. I kind of like the drive and desires that a fast pace competitive city can put in you… those are the kinds of things that can lead a child to grow up and change the world. I also like the down time and support system that a slow paced small town can provide you with… those are the kinds of things that will allow a child to grow up investing into things that are extremely meaningful like relationships and helping other people.
There are pluses and minuses to both sides.
You just have to decide which you believe is best for you, your child, your family, your partner, your dentist, your therapist, your dog walker, and all the other people who stand to be affected by your decision. And even if you make yourself crazy trying to decide (as I do every night at 1am when I go frantically re-reading and continually re-commenting with my non-nonsensical night time thoughts on Teresa Strasser’s blog post related to this), you’re still pretty likely to be wrong in the end anyways! So my final say on the matter is that I am where I need to be now in order to live my extraordinary life, but when I have kids, I will re-consider, weigh my options wisely, and then make a decision that I will stick to…until my husband tells me I’m wrong…or until my kid ends up in college or prison, at which point I will find out whether or not I made the right choice.
I was recently asked the question…
“What do you want to be admired for?”
I had a lot of fun answering this question. You see, the questioner didn’t specify that you had to already be doing these things you want to be remembered for… just that it would be freaking amazing if people actually said these things about you! As I was about to head off in the direction of “sensational lion tamer, the best in her field” and “the most compassionate miracle producing doctor I’ve seen yet”, I decided it would probably be more helpful if I took a slightly more realistic approach.
The question hiding underneath this question is, “what are your core values?”
What things do I really think are important in life? Acne free skin? Check. Dogs with fresh breathe? Check. There are LOTS of things that are important to me! This list is going to be long, starting with either free shipping from Amazon or fat free fro-yo (I can’t decide which is more significant to me).
And now you see why you can’t simply ask what my core values are… that’s just too big of a question. Asking what I want to be admired for is a great way of narrowing it down… as long as you remember to clarify that we are talking about REALISTIC things so I don’t start muttering something about how much people love the glittery aqua and periwinkle colored scales on my beautiful mermaid tail.
So you think you already know your core values do you?
Well do you really? Can you distinguish between your parents values, your community’s values, your favorite TV show character’s values? Not to mention your OWN values? I’m telling you it’s so much harder than you think when you’re wondering, “now did Ross and Rachel decide it IS okay to sleep with someone else when you’re on a break or not?”, or “did my dad say pot’s okay only if you’re at Woodstock? Or was it only if you’re 65 with back pain? I can’t remember.”. I’m telling you, core values can be a very convoluted and confusing thing in this day and age!
Now do the work.
Since I have now given you the ever important question that you need to be asking yourself to figure out your core values, go ahead and give it a shot! Identifying your core values is the first step to figuring out what your extraordinary word is… which of course is the first step to figuring out what your extraordinary life should consist of! Well actually, your values should be the starting place for anything at all in any kind of life, really! So taking the time to make your core values concrete and clear enough that you are able to actually write them out, might be a more important step in your life than you might think!
Now grab your Rare Existence notebook – that you of course started right when I told you to – and a pencil (or keyboard, you know what I mean) and start a list of answers to the question… “What do I want to be admired for?” and see what you come up with! After that, see if you can pull general concepts from what you listed and turn them into a real list of your own personal core values that you want to strive to live by… so that they actually will be things people will admire and remember about you long after you’re gone.
P.S. If you want to take it a step further, look at your list of values and see if you can draw out your extraordinary word from it!
*If you want more help uncovering your values, beliefs and identity’s check out some of the other projects!
Blah. I was laying sprawled out on our couch feeling blah and puzzling my husband. I had no idea what was wrong, all I knew was I felt frustrated and negative for seemingly no reason…which only causes MORE frustration and negativity!
I realized I hadn’t been outside all day so that might help. I walked down to the boardwalk and as soon as I caught sight of the ocean I felt an irresistible urge to head towards it with as much energy and force I had left in me. So I did.
I sank down into the sand practically shaking and still so upset and angry that I didn’t know what my problem was. I haven’t felt angst like that since I was a teenager.
I just relaxed, stopped analyzing, and watched the lifeguard pace nervously as the surfers caught bigger and bigger waves while the sun began to set. It was a beautiful time for the beach and I just sat back and allowed myself to enjoy just being a part of it.
Then actual, specific frustrations (with real reasons) kicked in so I finally has something legit to think about. They just began hitting me in short phrases with only a second or two between each thought.
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SURF BY NOW. WHY CAN’T I SURF? I LIVE ON THE BEACH! I’M RETARDED.
I SHOULD HAVE A JOGGING/ EXERCISE ROUTINE BY NOW LIKE THAT LADY WITH 40 YEAR OLD BUNS OF STEEL JOGGING OVER THERE. I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA AND I SHOULD BE ALL HEALTHY AND IN- SHAPE LIKE A TRUE CALIFORNIAN. I’M PATHETIC.
WHY DON’T I HAVE LOTS OF GOOD FRIENDS HERE YET? WHY DOESN’T ANYONE WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME? I MUST BE TOO LAME FOR PEOPLE AROUND HERE.
WHY AREN’T WE BOOKING MANY WEDDINGS/PHOTO SHOOTS IN LA YET? I MUST BE A TERRIBLE PHOTOGRAPHER.
WHY DON’T I ENJOY WHERE I LIVE MORE? I HARDLY EVER GO TO THE BEACH, HANG OUT ON THE BOARDWALK, OR GO TO THE INCREDIBLE RESTAURANTS IN WALKING DISTANCE! I AM SO BORING AND UNGRATEFUL AND I DON’T DESVE TO LIVE HERE.
I know, what the hell right?! Talk about negative, self- defeating thoughts! No wonder I feel depressed! That’s what’s going on in my head that I’m not even aware of?!
That’s when a single word hit me. A word that freed me and made me start laughing out loud with relief.
PATIENCE.
Patience!! I just uprooted and changed my life less than 3 weeks ago! Of course I haven’t adjusted to my new lifestyle, location, or relationships! I’ve barely had time to finish the actual physical part of the transitions, not to mention the emotional, mental, spiritual, ad relational parts! Give myself a break, me!!!
Why would I ever believe or expect myself to become an entirely new person in 2 1/2 weeks?! Especially considering I’ve spent that entire time unpacking and catching up on work that moving put me behind on. I’m embarrassed to tell you how a completely unrealistic and unreasonable I was being. What am I, 8?!
Personal growth and change takes time. Lots of time. It can only be done one step at a time. And often, one very slow step at a time.
The reason the word patience gave me freedom was because it IS happening so I can relax. I’ve done my part by taking care of what I can and now I wait. I think my fear takes over and pushes me to try to take control and force things to happen. You can only push so hard before it’s time to just sit back and let time enable your efforts to take root.
So just remember as you’re pursuing your rare existence…it does take a long time. There is only so much of it that you can control. Do the work, then take time to sit back and enjoy the process. Just know that it is a process and it is happening. It’s on it’s way, you’ve got it going. Now stop and enjoy the little successes that are happening along the way.
(UPDATE: It has been almost a year since I wrote this and I wanted to let you know that it has now been confirmed to be completely true. I knew I’m always right! I’m not exactly where I want to be yet, but I addressed many of these problems- minus the surfing- one at a time, then gave the changes time to take root, and voila! I have made significant progress in my life! So I’m telling you… there’s totally hope!!)J
P.S. please pray for the health and well being of my adorable quote image (you know, the one you guys are supposed to be sharing on Pinterest?!). He’s been trapped on my computer that got sucked into a time warp where wifi doesn’t exist. Be brave my little yellow friend.
