The Soul Sucking Comparison Game

I’ve never been a showy person, at least not in the monetary sense.

Ask all the guys who showed up in their fancy new Pontiac Firebirds (hey, I thought that was cool back then!), to take me on a shopping spree date, and end the night with a spontaneous trip to Disneyland. That was true luxury for me…. and I fled from it as fast as I could each time it was presented. The showy life just wasn’t for me.
No, instead I picked the guy who told his future in-laws that sometimes he considered how nice it might be to be homeless by choice. This is the same guy who thinks the solution to a broken pair of flip flops can be found not in a store with new flip flops, but in his toolbox with a few nails and a hammer. Yep, that’s my husband. And that’s sort of the reason I chose him (although I WOULD prefer to furnish our apartment via IKEA rather than our neighbors’ dumpsters, but I have to pick my battles).
So I’ve always prided myself on not being the keep up with the Joneses sort of person. Because of course, I was better than people who did that! And there it is, the real truth. That even if I didn’t use having money as my measure of comparison, I was still playing the comparison game. I was still priding myself on how much better I was than others, while constantly trying to find flaws with people who I thought were better than me.

And recently I’ve had a slow awakening about just how strong this whole comparison thing is for me.

In fact, it may be just about everything to me. Every way I judge the value of myself, of others, of accomplishments, of my body, of what defines success, and even of what my extraordinary life is. I’ve been slowly becoming aware of how many times I think about how something will affect my “ranking” both before and after I do something.

Is it time to re- decorate my living room already? Well what would so and so think of the style I choose? Not good enough, I better pick something better then.

We just got the coolest clients for a photo shoot, I can’t wait until so and so sees it.

That was an exhausting party but I still have a little energy left so I might as well start cleaning up. I hope so and so sees it so they think I’m so thoughtful and caring.

I feel like wearing this shirt today but I’m going to wear this other one because I think it will make the people I’m going to see today think more of me.

Do you think I’m crazy yet?

You will when I tell you that these were just a few of the many examples of thoughts I’ve had in the last 24 hours!!!! And most of them happened in the last 12! I KNOW I’m crazy, because I’ve driven myself crazy over years of thinking this way.
Even putting up this post has got me worried about how people will view me. I feel like a childish idiot that I’ve let so much of my life be driven by the game of comparison, so of course I don’t want to show that I’m an idiot or else all my hard work to show everyone how much better I am than them will be wasted!
Yes, this is the kind of crazy, circular, and backwards thinking that is my daily life.

I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of wasting so much energy on this. I’m tired of worrying instead of really living. I’m tired of me being the one most guilty of stifling myself. And I’m also just tired because I’m tired! Keeping up with every single person in the world is exhausting!

But the problem is that I don’t know how to LIVE without comparing!

I don’t know how to determine how I feel about people, actions, or things without using my normal measuring stick of “good enough” or ‘better than”. So the thought of having to give up this life long impulse, is terrifying to me.
I feel like I’m giving up my baseline for measuring life. All the rules I knew are out the window. How will I be able to judge the quality or significance of my work if I don’t know whether or not it will make someone else jealous? How will I know if I am good enough to fit in with those around me? And of course there’s the most deeply rooted question that is the reason I struggle with this in the first place… how will I know if I’m valuable?
Of course, to know you’re important/valuable/significant as a person, you gave to know that you’re bringing the world gifts of yourself that are better than what others are bringing right? You know because the masses say so, right?
Wrong. I know it’s wrong, but I’m still a little confused about what is right!

How do I change something this big?

I’ve only known one way to live and now I’m supposed to just throw it out in one giant trip to the trash, and simply pick up a new way of living and a new way of thinking?! I want it to go away, to be able to live a life based on truth, intrinsic value, and all those other good words you hear spiritual gurus throwing around like magical fairy dust, but HOW do I get there is the question? How do I just stop thinking the way I’ve always thought?
I’ll have to let you know if I ever find the answer, because I am definitely going to seek it out.

The truth, is that living for others is the opposite of extraordinary.

The ordinary thing to do is to play the comparison game. I know that if I am only living the life that looks the best when compared to others, then I’m most likely not living the life I’m meant to live. If I’m not being real or honest with who I am and what I deem to be valuable, then how could I expect to be honest about what I’m meant to do with my life? I can’t. I won’t know what I’m destined for as long as I don’t know who I’m really destined to be. So it’s time for me to stop comparing, worrying, and changing and just start living as me and who I’m meant to be.

Wish me luck.

 

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5 thoughts on “The Soul Sucking Comparison Game”

  1. I believe not knowing your purpose in life is one of the biggest reasons we start playing the comparison game as we find validation in knowing that we’re doing better than so and so instead of getting validation through fulfilling our purpose and living out our passions. Life isn’t a competition, but when we compare, we turn it into a silly game that we can never win.

    It’s also amazing how we try to convince other people that we’re worthy of their friendship by doing things like wearing certain clothes, participating in a certain activity, or just hiding the weird things about ourselves just so we can fit in. When you know your purpose, it’s much easier to be confident in yourself and not let our purpose and values be decided by our friends or pop culture and allows us to find people that are accepting of who we actually are.

    So how do we stop playing the comparison game? It’s really only when we stop moving forward that we take notice of how others are doing. So to combat this we must actively live out our purpose and passions daily. However, it’s impossible to completely stop the comparison game—it’s human nature. But recognizing when we’re doing it allows us to react and recognize that that kind of of thinking is helpful and is merely a distraction from achieving our purpose.

    1. I like the way you think, Brent! That’s great insight into the comparison game and I think you’re right. Funny how the answer to ending the game fits into the purpose or Rare Existence even more than I thought! The answer to the comparison game is living the life you are meant to live, because knowing your purpose helps stop you from caring so much about what others are doing. I think you’re totally right. Thanks SO much for sharing your thoughts, they were a great help to me as I try to figure out this comparison mess!

  2. OMG! Thank u for such a thoughtful and thought provoking post! it’s so rare to find this much honesty in self-discovery! THANK U!!! 🙂 … I’m posting/scheduling u as my quote of day for Feb 1st!
    … so happy I stumbled upon your website via Pinterest 🙂

    1. Oh yay, I’ve never been a quote of the day before!! 🙂 Thanks for taking the time to read, I’m always happy to have people as talented as yourself check in on Rare Existence (click on her name to listen to her snazzy jazzy voice)! And I’m glad to hear you appreciate my honesty because there’s more where that come from, my dear!

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