You can do it my dear

This post is dedicated to two of my friends (you know who you are).

 

“You can do it my dear.” That is what I told myself when my husband and I both went full time into our new photography business which has continued to support us for the past 3 years.

“You can do it my dear.” That is what my friend, Kelli, told herself as she gave up her successful career to start up her non-profit organization that now helps hundreds of foster children every year.

“You can do it my dear.” That is what my friend Molly told herself (and her husband!) as he went in to reverse his vasectomy after they decided that extraordinary living for them means having and raising as many children as possible (they now have 4 boys and are pregnant with their 5th baby!).

“You can do it my dear.” That is what my friend, Nicole, told herself when she started up her blog that now has a large fan base and is leading to major speaking opportunities which enable her to help all kinds of people in more ways than she dreamed possible.

“You can do it my dear.” That is what my friend Christina told herself when her and her husband decided to start saving their money to fulfill their dream of living on Maui- which they succeeded in doing 5 years later.

“You can do it my dear.” That is what my friend Julia told herself as she gave up her life, time, and energy to nursing school because what she is meant to do with her life is help people.

“You can do it my dear.” That is what my friend Lynn told herself as her and her husband set off to leave their home in Phoenix and live in Chicago for a year… just to have an adventure.

“You can do it my dear.” That is what my friend Abby told herself when she moved to Africa to start housing and taking care of orphaned children there.

“You can do it my dear.” That is what my friend Katie told herself when she started sewing wedding dresses out of old tablecloths and soon became busier than she could handle sewing all kinds of unique women’s clothing.

“You can do it my dear.” That is what I want you to tell yourself next time you have a dream, inkling or idea, that seems made of equal parts amazing and impossible.

“You can do it my dear.” That is what I want you to tell your friends when they share their big dreams and ideas with you… right before you pull out a pen and paper and help them write out the steps to accomplish their plan.

YOU can do it my dear(s).

 

A Voluntary Book Report: A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

That’s right,  A Million Miles In a Thousand Years: How I Learned Live a Better Story by Donald Miller, changed my life and I don’t think your life is immune to it’s powers either.

It’s a book about his life… about a book about his life.

Specifically, Don wrote a New York Times Bestseller called Blue Like Jazz awhile back and some guys came to him wanting to make a movie about it. So he was like, “sure, that’s awesome”. I mean, what else are you gonna say when someone asks you that question, right?

As they began working on the movie, Don began to learn a little more about the concept of story in relation to script writing. And being the self- reflection obsessed kind of guy he is, it didn’t take long for him to apply the concept of story to his own life…. especially because the story they were currently working on WAS about his own life.

The thing that was getting to him was that they were having to re- write his life a little bit to make it into a better movie. I mean I guess that’s to be expected and doesn’t sound like a big deal. Well, until some guy starts telling you that the way you handled an important problem in your life was wrong or that what you thought was a moving, epic moment is really just a snore fest. I mean this was his life they were talking about! But I guess it just didn’t have enough car chases and naked girls to make it in Hollywood.

So that’s the premise of this book. Don sets out to live his life as if he really is the main character in a story. He talks about developing himself as a character, setting a good scene in his life, pursuing epic adventures, and “the inciting incident” -which is the point in the story that forces the character to progress forward. Like when the main character of a story finds out they’re dying of cancer, losing their farm, or in Don’s case just living a boring life that people wouldn’t want to pay to watch for 90 minutes.

Unlike Don however, I knew my life would make a stunning blockbuster feature!

So I’m sitting there, on a rooftop patio overlooking the ocean, on our summer adventure in Venice CA, reading this book and thinking, “I’m so awesome. Look at me. I took a big risk, have a great setting, I’m living an adventure, and pursuing a dream. I deserve to have a movie made about MY life. And then I deserve to win an Academy Award for it!”And right about the time that I was running low on suntan lotion, I got to the part where he talks about how you can’t have a good story unless your character faces and overcomes conflict. Oh $#*!. Unfortunately, dropping my margarita all over myself when I read that part, doesn’t count as character building conflict (it totally should though because I was sticky for at LEAST an hour after that)!

The Reading Rainbow part (aka why Levar and I think you should read this).

1. Don is real and this book is real.  I should tell you that Donald Miller is one of my all time favorite authors. He is a Christian author so take note that some of you might not agree with everything he says, but this book is so good I don’t even think you’ll mind the stuff you don’t agree with! I like him because he’s gut wrenchingly honest and often incredibly deep,  yet somehow he’s able to do it in a way that’s almost…. well, cute. I’m sure he wouldn’t be too happy that I described his heartfelt writing as cute, but too bad because it is and that’s what I love about it.

2. It’s just really really really good. I honestly sat bawling for hours while reading this book (and I cried when I finished it because I was so sad it was over). I also found myself laughing out loud while reading it despite being in public places by myself and having people scoot their chairs further away from the laughing maniac in the corner.

3. It gives some of the best examples of extraordinary living EVER. I’m not kidding this book gave me several new heroes, and those come very far and few between for me. And if you are trying to figure out how to live extraordinarily with kids, then you DEFINITELY have to read this. Most of the incredible people he knows happen to also be living out some of the most unique family lifestyles I’ve ever heard about. I would type all of those stories up for you here and now if I wasn’t pretty sure that was on the plagiarizing no- no list. And anyways, you should read the whole book to get a better picture of it.

If my description hasn’t given you enough reason to one- click Amazon order this book or to at least check out Don’s magnificent blog, then maybe these last quotes from the book that I’m going to leave you with will…

 

Quotes from A Million Miles in a Thousand Years:

“Nobody cries at the end of a movie about a guy who wants a Volvo. But we spend years actually living those stories, and expect our lives to feel meaningful.”

“I realized how much of our lives are spent trying to avoid conflict. Half the commercials on television are selling us something that will make life easier. Part of me wonders if our stories aren’t being stolen by the easy life.”

“Nothing against a nice condo, but I privately wondered whether I was a protagonist telling an exciting story who happened to live in a nice condo, or whether I was a protagonist telling a boring story about trying to pay off his nice condo.”

“You become like the people you interact with. And if your friends are living boring stories, you probably will too.”

“While I could not control my happiness, I could control my misery, and I would rather have had control than live in the tension of what if.”

“But fear isn’t only a guide to keeping us safe; it’s also a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life.”

 

I believe in this book so much that…

I am going to give away a copy of “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years” to the first person who shares the Rare Existence Facebook page with 3 people. Seriously, just 3! And they don’t even have to actually “like” the page. For once I’m going easy on you guys and having low expectations… mostly because I really want someone to win this book! So tell your friends and email me once you’ve done it! First email I get, wins!

A true story about Extraordinary Living (Kelli Freeman: Part 2)

Kelli Freeman has done some crazy things in her life… and many of these things were all in her pursuit of an extraordinary life. The following interview will make a whole lot more sense if you go back and read Part 1 of Kelli’s story here.

(All the photos here were taken by my husband and I during a “just for fun” photo session we did for Kelli and her sister… and it was definitely fun!).

Now that you’re caught up, let’s dive right on in!

B: OK, so WHAT?! You made the decision to dedicate your life to helping foster kids and then you gave up your apartment AND quit your job only two weeks later to pursue that dream?! What?!

K: (laughing) yep. I’ve always been the kind of person who dives in head first.

B: OK, but still… how did you do that and make it work?

K: Well I needed time to research and learn about the foster system, and I knew that not having to go to work everyday would help with that! I’m a firm believer in not having debt and I’m a big saver so I had quite a bit to live on and I knew that not having to pay rent every month would help that savings go much further! I did get a mindless part time job that allowed me to still dedicate all my brainpower to thinking about my next step, while making a little bit of money at the same time. I also am very grateful that my search for house sitting jobs paid off quickly and I found one that gave me a place to stay 3 weeks out of every month, and actually provided me with some extra money to live on at the same time. And when the house owner found out why I was doing it she spoiled me a ton, so I was very blessed! (smiling).

B: Yeah, but you never would’ve found that perfect housing situation if you didn’t just sack up your faith and dive in head first, right?

K: Exactly.

B: I LOVE that you just did what you had to do! So did all that pay off?

K: Definitely. I spent all my time learning, networking, and volunteering in the non-profit world of foster kids to find out what the needs were, how I could help, and what areas I was gifted in.

B: Given your history of struggling with major self-confidence issues, did you even believe you were gifted in certain areas at this point in your life?

K: Actually yes. My experience at that first camp was huge and totally changed my view on life, my identity, and my quest for meaning in my life. I was still absolutely terrified, but I knew without a shadow of a doubt this was what I was supposed to do so I knew it would happen even if it ended up being in spite of myself! I really didn’t know everything and I did as much as I could to prepare myself but I still made lots of major mistakes along the way and things I would do differently knowing what I know now. But oh well, pushing forward even through my imperfections is what got it all started!  I spent most of my life trying to figure out what I should do and once I knew, I really knew, so I dove in regardless of whether or not I was “perfect” enough for it.

B: Awesome. So tell me how the next few years went down for you.

K: About a month after that first camp I went to in 2004, the person who is now the co-founder of our non-profit, came to me and said he had an idea for a charity. I agreed to help him at a very minimal amount. We decided we needed to have a place for the 12 year olds who had grown up going to the camp for younger kids and were now too old to keep going. These kids were graduating the program and were completely crushed to find out they had nothing to go to next year, many of them were losing a major source of stability in their lives and they were only 12 years old! So our initial goals were to create two things for them to go to, a summer camp for kids ages 12-15 and a Christmas party for them. Within 3 months of deciding that, we had our first Christmas party and about a year and a half after that (in summer of 2006) we had our first camp.

B: Having been to camps myself, I know putting one on is a lot of work, that seems really fast!  Especially considering you had to coordinate with the state to get the kids there and everything, that first year couldn’t have been easy!

K: Oh it definitely wasn’t easy! I had to raise $20,000 for that camp and I had absolutely no fundraising experience! I actually had many panic attacks that first year. The stress, worries, and fears were piling up and really getting to me. I was falling apart personally. I started really battling self-doubt about whether or not I had what it takes to be a leader.

B: So how did you get through that time?

K: There were a few things that helped me, my friends were huge to me during that time. I had a really supportive community who kept pushing me and encouraging me through the hard times. The second thing was that I read an amazing book called “The Dream Giver” by Bruce Wilkinson that is an allegory about a Nobody named Ordinary from the Land of Familiar who faces down all kinds of opposition on his journey to his Big Dream. The book was a huge encouragement to me, and still is because I re-read it all the time!

B: Yeah, I know thanks for that gift by the way!  It’s been super encouraging to me as well! You’re SO lucky you had such a supportive group of friends, not everyone has that!

K: Don’t get me wrong, I had PLENTY of people who told me that even though my ideas were great, they were just too big to be realized… and even more people who thought I was plain crazy for quitting my job and doing the things I was doing.  And actually those kinds of comments pushed me more than anything to be successful!  I rise to challenges! I’ve had to do a lot to learn about how to shut down negative feedback and manage it in my own mind.  That’s a very hard thing to deal with and it still comes up from time to time.

B: So has there ever been a time you wanted to quit?

K: Oh yeah, lots of times. I even had to take a break for awhile to pull myself together. It takes a ton of hard work and oh so many sacrifices to follow your dreams. I mean, I haven’t really dated anyone for 9 YEARS!!  I lost a lot of my friends because I was just too busy to keep up relationships (thankfully, I also gained new relationships through my charity work), and I went through SO much self doubt. I’ve had MANY tears and many failures. From the very beginning I found myself doing things I was not at all qualified to do. And I soon found out that when you make one bad decision, it makes you question everything about what you’re doing and who you are… but when you make multiple bad decisions, watch out, you’re about to crumble! Following your dreams is one of the hardest things in the world, but it is of course, so very VERY worth it!

B: Tell me a little bit more about what you have going on with the organization now.

K:  Well we still have those first two things we set our minds too… we have a girl’s camp and a boy’s camp every summer. And we still have the Christmas party every December. The new things we’ve added are the Princess Program for girls and The All-Star Program for boys. The point of both of these is to help build the kid’s confidence, break down barriers during the summer camp, and teach them the great things about themselves and what they have the ability to do in their lives.  These are the kinds of messages that most of these kids don’t hear often enough… especially from people they really trust.

B: My husband and I have gotten to be the photographers for multiple Princess Program events and my most memorable moment was when one of the girls put on her fancy prom dress (The Princess Program features a prom for these girls who are not very likely to ever get to go to a high school prom) and then as soon as she turned around and looked at herself in the mirror, she broke down crying immediately. It didn’t seem like it would help for her to see me crying too! So I did everything I could to hold it together as her counselors quickly put their arms around her and gently whispered encouraging things to her about how beautiful she is.  That moment to me, said so much about what you do. (I want to encourage everyone to go read the blog post I wrote about our first experience with the Princess Program because the pictures in it really help tell the story about what Kelli’s organization does). I know the Princess Program is about much more than physical beauty and you guys do a good job encouraging the girls in their inner beauty too, but it is absolutely amazing to see how those girls’ attitudes change the second they put on a beautiful dress!

K:  Oh totally, the princess program is one of my favorite things about camp each year. One of the reasons I started it was because I felt like I really know what it’s like to struggle with self-worth… and I have parents!  I absolutely can’t imagine what it would be like to struggle through that if you don’t even have a family of your own! At one point in my life, I had someone come alongside me and help instill some self-esteem in me so I wanted to try to pass that on.  I also sat down and thought about what little (and big) things would go into a night to make a girl feel truly special… and those are the kinds of things I’ve tried to incorporate into the program.

B: So tell me more about the 2 newest programs you guys have going on.

K: Well, our teen camp was filling the gap for the kids who were looking for a place to go after they turned 12, but then we found ourselves having problems figuring out what to do after the kids turned 16 and graduated the teen camp!  So we developed the Life Skills Program which is there to help kids from 16- early 20’s learn to do essential things that many never had a chance to learn as they were passed from home to home. They learn things like how to budget, cook, dress for a job interview, fill out college application forms, etc. I mean, one of our kids is only 16 and he’s moved 42 times in the 14 years he’s been in foster care!  Who’s ever going to sit down with that kid and teach him conflict resolution skills or how to find an apartment on a budget?

B: Seriously, a child with that much school system fluctuation is probably just lucky if he can read, let alone function in society! I was shocked when I heard that at 18, foster kids are required by law to leave their foster home even though most were never prepared for the real world!  I had no idea how many of them just end up on the streets!  It totally puts your Life Skills Program into perspective!

K: Exactly, we saw a great need for it and we also wanted to provide another place for the kids who graduated from our teen camp to continue going where they could build more constant relationships with adults who were willing to invest the time into helping them. In addition to that, we developed a scholarship program to help some of these kids go to college!  And we actually recently received a call from our first recipient who needed help moving into his dorm! That was huge for me because it really made me realize that we truly are his family… we’re the ones he calls when he needs help moving!

B:  Wow. So when did you realize, “this is it. I’m here”, I ‘m definitely doing the right thing with my life”?

K: There’s definitely a part of me that knew from the beginning back when I first quit my job, but that has really been reinforced through the fact that I’m lucky enough to get to see very tangible results working with these kids. I’m constantly getting amazing reports about various people’s interactions with the kids throughout different events… and I especially love when these stories relate to how much the kids have changed since they first began attending our programs. It’s truly amazing how much these kids bloom as soon as they feel “safe” to be vulnerable and let down their defenses. Both the kids themselves and the volunteers have beautiful stories about their experiences together and the things they remember from the events. And every time I hear a story about someone’s who’s life was changed through something in our program, I’m like, “yes, this is it. This is where I need to be”. Of course I have other things I want to do with my life, but they will most likely fit in around working with foster kids. Whether I go back to school, have my own family one day, or whatever it may be, I will still always be doing this in some capacity for the rest of my life.

B: Do you have any advice for others out there who are seeking to uncover and live out their own extraordinary lives?

K: I can’t stress enough the importance of having a support system in your life. Encouragement is so vital because even if you are the most motivated, self-confident person in the world, you WILL doubt yourself at times and you need people around you to help you push through that.  I also think that having a mentor is an important part of a successful support system. Finding someone who has ventured off and tried it before you so they can walk you through some of the challenges is a major tool in trudging through the hard parts.
Another major thing is to be OK with failure.  That’s a hard one to wrap your arms around… but it’s necessary. Failure is a way to learn and you have to be OK with just giving it all you’ve got and stepping back in hopes it will work. And going along with that, it’s very helpful if you can recognize that you don’t have to start off perfect, you can always change it later.

B: Sorry to interrupt, but I can’t help but laugh because I can’t tell you how many people told me that when I was getting ready to launch Rare Existence. I was really struggling with the design and functionality of it and everyone was like, “Breanna, just do it already!!! It doesn’t have to be perfect! You can change it later, just get it up!!” It’s good advice but so hard to listen to!

K: Tell me about it! But the sooner you learn that, the better off you’ll be! It’s also important to have short term goals and celebrate your small successes along the way. Like you can celebrate that Rare Existence is up even if it doesn’t look exactly like you might want it to eventually!
And finally, one of the biggest things I want to stress is that the balance between work and life is so important!  I’ve made a lot of mistakes in this area and I paid the price for it. Boundaries are very important and if you ignore them, you’ll get into trouble.

B: I’ve been there myself, and am in fact still digging myself out of the hole that comes from an unbalanced life, so I second that piece of advice for sure! Self-care is VERY important in order to continue to thrive and have the important things in your life continue to thrive as well.

Thank you so much for being so vulnerable here, Kelli. I think your honesty will really help to encourage people wherever they’re at in their quest for a Rare Existence.  Your story is incredible and very inspiring, it’s such an honor that you let me share it!

(if you liked this story and want to hear more true stories about Extraordinary Living join the  Rare Existence Facebook community)!

If you want to learn more about some of the things mentioned in Kelli’s story see the links below:

Hope and a Future: The non-profit organization to help foster children that Kelli co-founded (also see info about The TRAC camps, The Christmas Party, The Princess Program, The All-Star Program, The Scholarship Program, and the Life Skills Program).

TRAC: The organization that helped train Kelli to launch her own camp for foster kids. They are still training camp directors if you’re interested in starting your own camp!

Royal Family Kid’s Camp: The camp Kelli initially went to for foster kids ages 7-11. This is a nationwide organization that holds camps all over America.

A true story about Extraordinary Living (Kelli Freeman: Part 1)

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

(Kelli on the left, her sister on the right. All these photos were from a “just for fun” photo session my husband and I did for the two of them!).

While most little kids would prattle on about grandiose dreams involving fame, firetrucks, and princess dresses, young Kelli would hide in the corner hoping to avoid the awkwardness. Even as a very young child, this question made Kelli very uncomfortable and upset. The truth was that she had absolutely no idea and she knew this was the wrong answer.

Throughout high school Kelli battled deep feelings of insecurity.

She never felt like she quite measured up to the standard of perfection that was continually held over her by her extremely traditional culture that told her the only option in life was to be a mom and nothing more. She found herself continuing to fight to stay in the mold- all the while feeling like her efforts were futile- which only perpetuated the cycle of her not feeling good enough and trying harder. She was being crushed by feelings of failure and worthlessness. At this point she was pretty much convinced she would never amount to anything.

Of course her pressure for perfection did lead her to great things…

…no matter how negative she still felt about the things she did and herself.  She moved from working her first job at McDonald’s, through tons of other positions, all the way up to maintaining a great, high paying, corporate job. She was officially a “success” to the outside world, but inside she still didn’t feel good enough.

Since Kelli was used to high pressure and challenges, she got bored very quickly. Which is probably the explanation for the MANY jobs she had before as she tried to uncover “what she wanted to do when she grew up” (she even worked for a temp agency for awhile where she was able to experience over 50 different types of positions!). She was starting to feel very dissatisfied with the corporate game because she was beginning to feel a great desire to do something that would truly help others. She was again faced with all her insecurities beating up on her and telling her that she wasn’t good enough to do anything else. How could she? She didn’t even have a college degree, which was just one more thing to make sure she felt less important and capable than everyone around her. So she settled into her corporate job trying to believe that the money was enough, because she also still firmly believed that she wasn’t good enough to do better with her life.

And then everything changed…

Kelli was invited to attend a week long camp for foster children ages 7-11. This was a very intense camp. Many of these children have severe emotional and relational problems due to their volatile backgrounds. So spending a week with them trying to love them while they are doing their best to put up their walls so they don’t get rejected again, really challenged Kelli and resulted in her doing quite a bit of soul searching. For many of these kids, this week of camp is the most stable thing in their lives. They can move from home to home throughout the year with new foster parents, new schools, and new everything and then they get to go to camp where they see many of the same kids and adults from last year. Even having the same rules, expectations, etc. is very comforting. So the importance of this camp on these kids cannot be understated, and of course Kelli was feeling the pressure to make it perfect for them.

But this time she was feeling a lot more than the pressure to be perfect…

She fell in love with these kids and responded very well to their plight in life. It was barely 2 weeks after returning from camp that Kelli decided to quite her job, give up her apartment (essentially becoming homeless– no kidding) for the sake of dedicating ALL her time and energy to finding more ways to help foster kids.

And that was just the beginning.

Everything you’ve just read is the intro to the actual interview I did with Kelli.

See the real interview here which goes deeper into her story and why I’ve chosen to feature her here. Kelli has decided to be super honest and real about her insecurities, challenges, etc.- more so than she is comfortable with actually- all in the hopes that it will benefit those who read it. So make sure you check it out to help make her vulnerability really worth it and to allow her story to encourage you on your own path to extraordinary living (as I know it will).  See you in part 2!

To see more stories like this along with other things related to extraordinary living, like Rare Existence on Facebook!